Do you remember that time before kids when you and your significant other could jump each other’s bones whenever, wherever, and however you wanted? You didn’t have to wait on anyone to fall asleep. You didn’t have to watch how loud you were being. You weren’t completely exhausted from spending your day catering to a tiny human. Ah, those were the days. You wouldn’t trade your children for your old sex life (hopefully), but you do miss it sometimes. That’s completely normal, because the truth about the birds and the bees after kids is this: it’s just not the same.
Now, to be fair, I don’t know how it is for parents with older kids. Both of mine are under three years right now, so of course I am speaking from my own personal experience. I’m going to be real, though. I didn’t get the D at all. I was always too tired, or he was. On the rare occasion it did happen, it was rushed and all the romance was gone because I was always on mom alert. If anyone knows a cure for this, hit me up please. Even worse, I could never fully relax because I was scared from having stitches after childbirth.
It’s not that I’m not attracted to my husband any more. In fact, I would say it’s quite the opposite. Since kids I feel that my attraction has grown tenfold. Watching him be such a loving, hardworking father is sexy as can be to me. Yet, when we do get alone time what follows is anything but sexy. All those stretch marks you get from pregnancy? Oh, and your now extremely large, dark pepperoni nipples? Let’s not forget how saggy your boobs have become. Goodbye, self-esteem. My husband used to get beyond frustrated with me because he doesn’t get to see me naked any more. I was ashamed, embarrassed, and scared. What if he didn’t want to be with me anymore?
Things were really, really bad. And dry. And awkward. I had to remind myself that I was still a wife, and not just a mother. I missed that close intimacy my husband and I had. Things had to change. Here’s what worked for us.
First and foremost, we needed time alone. It just was not going to happen if the kids were around. You all know how consuming of your time, energy, and patience your little angels are. So, we found a babysitter. By spending time alone with my husband I was able to focus only on him, and that made everything so much more enjoyable. It was almost like when we were kids again.
Secondly, I had to work on my body image issues. My husband was nothing short of sweet and loving toward me. It was not fair to him to deprive him of something that was a special bond between us simply because of my own insecurities. Before you get your pitchforks, I want to say I know it’s your body and your decision what you do with it ultimately. I am in no way saying you need to regress to the fifties and be a good little wife that does whatever her husband demands. I’m just asking you to imagine it from his perspective. Your beautiful wife who you share everything with suddenly won’t let you see her naked. You made a commitment to her. You share kids with her. She’s the most beautiful thing in the world to you. That’s how your partners feel, ladies. They love you, cherish you, adore you, and desire you. You are beautiful, sexy, and everything they could ever need. Once you realize that, you will be so much happier. Confidence is such an important factor in your sex life. If you’re unsure of yourself, you will be tense. Sex is supposed to be fun! Enjoy yourself. You have more than earned a good time.
Last but not least, LUBE. Use it. Seriously. I cannot describe the magical wonder that is lube. I prefer water based, as I’m kind of sensitive. It made things go much smoother, and in turn, last longer. We still have a lot of room for progress in that area, but things have improved drastically. I promise you things can go back to the way they were. It will just take dedication and work. Hang in there. It will get easier. It may take multiple tries, but don’t get discouraged! As the saying goes, all good things in due time. The closeness my husband and I have gained back has made life so much more enjoyable. I want the same for you.