The Truth About The Birds And The Bees After Kids

Do you remember that time before kids when you and your significant other could jump each other’s bones whenever, wherever, and however you wanted? You didn’t have to wait on anyone to fall asleep. You didn’t have to watch how loud you were being. You weren’t completely exhausted from spending your day catering to a tiny human. Ah, those were the days. You wouldn’t trade your children for your old sex life (hopefully), but you do miss it sometimes. That’s completely normal, because the truth about the birds and the bees after kids is this: it’s just not the same.

Now, to be fair, I don’t know how it is for parents with older kids. Both of mine are under three years right now, so of course I am speaking from my own personal experience. I’m going to be real, though. I didn’t get the D at all. I was always too tired, or he was. On the rare occasion it did happen, it was rushed and all the romance was gone because I was always on mom alert. If anyone knows a cure for this, hit me up please. Even worse, I could never fully relax because I was scared from having stitches after childbirth.

It’s not that I’m not attracted to my husband any more. In fact, I would say it’s quite the opposite. Since kids I feel that my attraction has grown tenfold. Watching him be such a loving, hardworking father is sexy as can be to me. Yet, when we do get alone time what follows is anything but sexy. All those stretch marks you get from pregnancy? Oh, and your now extremely large, dark pepperoni nipples? Let’s not forget how saggy your boobs have become. Goodbye, self-esteem. My husband used to get beyond frustrated with me because he doesn’t get to see me naked any more. I was ashamed, embarrassed, and scared. What if he didn’t want to be with me anymore?

Things were really, really bad. And dry. And awkward. I had to remind myself that I was still a wife, and not just a mother. I missed that close intimacy my husband and I had. Things had to change. Here’s what worked for us.
First and foremost, we needed time alone. It just was not going to happen if the kids were around. You all know how consuming of your time, energy, and patience your little angels are. So, we found a babysitter. By spending time alone with my husband I was able to focus only on him, and that made everything so much more enjoyable. It was almost like when we were kids again.

Secondly, I had to work on my body image issues. My husband was nothing short of sweet and loving toward me. It was not fair to him to deprive him of something that was a special bond between us simply because of my own insecurities. Before you get your pitchforks, I want to say I know it’s your body and your decision what you do with it ultimately. I am in no way saying you need to regress to the fifties and be a good little wife that does whatever her husband demands. I’m just asking you to imagine it from his perspective. Your beautiful wife who you share everything with suddenly won’t let you see her naked. You made a commitment to her. You share kids with her. She’s the most beautiful thing in the world to you. That’s how your partners feel, ladies. They love you, cherish you, adore you, and desire you. You are beautiful, sexy, and everything they could ever need. Once you realize that, you will be so much happier. Confidence is such an important factor in your sex life. If you’re unsure of yourself, you will be tense. Sex is supposed to be fun! Enjoy yourself. You have more than earned a good time.

Last but not least, LUBE. Use it. Seriously. I cannot describe the magical wonder that is lube. I prefer water based, as I’m kind of sensitive. It made things go much smoother, and in turn, last longer. We still have a lot of room for progress in that area, but things have improved drastically. I promise you things can go back to the way they were. It will just take dedication and work. Hang in there. It will get easier. It may take multiple tries, but don’t get discouraged! As the saying goes, all good things in due time. The closeness my husband and I have gained back has made life so much more enjoyable. I want the same for you.

Why Falling in Love Young is Torture, But Sometimes Worth It

When my husband and I first got together at 17/18 in 2012.

It’s fairly common knowledge that “love” in high school begins as lust, then transforms into infatuation, and then finally, it becomes love. You spend the first few months of the budding relationship being young and free. It’s fun and easy. There are no kids to argue about, no bills to worry over. The sad reality of it is that at such a young age we are still growing. Still discovering who we really are. Who I was at seventeen is vastly different than who I am now at twenty-three. The thought of being with someone who was like me at that age depresses me. I was very immature, very virgin to the harsh realities of the world. So it goes without saying that falling in love young is like playing a game where you have a 50/50 chance of winning. Sadly, losing means great heartbreak. Heartbreak is never easy, no matter your age is. 
 You will have to grow with each other and with growth there is always change. It’s devastating to watch your best friend change before your eyes into someone you don’t know. When you feel like you are losing your grip on someone you have begun to rely on, you feel like you are losing your grip on your own self. Maybe in a sense you are since they hold a piece of you that is so very cherished: your heart. 

My husband at my graduation.

You will have to decide for yourself if the new person in front if you is someone you can spend forever with. It’s an awfully big decision to make at such a young age. When I married my husband at twenty-two I was taking a huge gamble at my own happiness. I will not lie to you. It has been hard. We fight often and feverishly, but at the end of the day my husband is my best friend, my partner in crime. We have so much fun together on the good days. The bad days, though.. They are relentless. Yet I find myself thinking that as long as he is willing to try for me, I will gladly try for him. That’s what a strong marriage takes. Truth be told?

I wouldn’t trade him for the world, but sometimes I wonder if I made the right decision marrying him just because of the stigma of marriage around our ages, and fear that he will continue to develop his life in a completely different direction than mine. 

If we end up going our separate ways it will be on his accord. He is my better half and I cannot imagine a life without him. I know I could live without him, but I really don’t want to. I fall in love with him every time I watch him take care of our kids. Whenever he smiles I still get butterflies. Whenever he kisses me I still feel weak in my knees. As long as that innocent infatuation stays I know we are doing all right. I know he is my biggest fan. It melts my heart when I hear the words “I love you” leave his mouth knowing they are just for me. 

Two kids in love.

Do not let anyone tell you it is impossible to find your soul mate young. It is possible, but it is hard. So very, very hard. If there’s a will, though, there’s a way. Just remember that love is patient, kind, loyal, and forgiving. And never, ever give up. You got this. 

Interstitial Cystitis & Your Sex Life

          There is an unspoken horror out there not many people know about, but for those of us affected, words could not even begin to describe it, anyway. It goes by the name of Interstitial Cystitis, or IC for short. IC is, well, still somewhat of a mystery to the medical field. It’s characterized by frequent pain in the bladder, a constant urge to pee although you’ve already tried to eight million times, and just general miserableness. There is no set cure, just various things we all try to try and ease the pain. My journey with IC began in my teenage years around the age of fifteen. It started with frequent bladder infections. Azo was my best friend. I found myself in a local urologist’s office where I was advised to drink more water. For about a year or two it went into recession, and boy, did I take that time for granted. 

               At age eighteen it came back with a vengeance. However, I tested negative for UTIs every time. I didn’t understand what was happening to me, and neither did my doctors. They pushed antibiotic infection on me, despite the fact that there was no infection. So naturally the pain didn’t stop. Then, my urologist tells me I have an overactive bladder. This leads to me trying about three to five different OA bladder medicines, but once again, no success. Finally my urologist decides to run a cyscopy to attempt to get a better understanding of just what in the world is going on. He attempted to do it in office, but once the nurse tried to numb my urethra by sticking a q-tip in it I knew I could not endure that pain any further and ended up leaving that office in tears with a new appointment at the hospital under anesthesia. I had a full blown panic attack the pain was so bad. 
He tells me that he can’t find anything wrong except for the fact that my urethra is too small so he filled it with water and let it sit so that it would stretch. This left me in exscruciating pain for a week, then magically everything was normal and dandy the following week. By the third week I was back in bladder purgatory. He left out the part where it was only a temporary fix. By this point I’m tired of him and so I decide to find a new urologist. 
           Well, three doctors later I finally find my dream urologist (no, it’s not overactive bladder!) he tells me I have IC. With his help I’ve been lucky enough to get it under control, though the pain is never fully gone. From this pain comes suffering between not only me, but both my husband and I. Our sex life is nonexistent. During one year of our marriage we had sex a total of three times. You read that right. Truth be told, it hasn’t got much better, but any improvement is welcome. 
          It’s unbearable watching your husband cry and ask you what’s wrong with him. I felt so defeated. Of course he felt unwanted. I wasn’t able to show him just how much I truly adored him. He is the sexiest man alive to me, but without being able to show him, he felt like I was lying. I felt worthless. Why couldn’t I have a working body? What if he left me for someone better? I would be lying if I said that to this day that fear isn’t still there. For those of you out there like me, you are not alone. I know it feels like an uphill battle, but there are drugs out there that work. Some people swear by therapy, others by acupuncture. It just depends on the person, but everything is worth trying.

           And to the husbands and wives out there of those with IC, please don’t give up. I know it’s hard. We aren’t the only ones suffering. I know you are too. It’s not that you’re not enough. You are exceptional. Thank you for your patience. Thank you for your understanding. Thank you for just being you, the people we fell in love with. You make those painful moments a little less insufferable. Thank you for loving us for who we are, flaws and all.